Remember the Mexican Hijinks?

"That was some stunt you pulled Gabe, look at the papers!"

He glanced casually at the picture on the front page and thought again that he photographed well. He'd gone for "deer in the headlights" (flashlights as it had eventuated) and he'd owned it.

"What are you smiling about? The repercussions for your uncle have been massive. This does not reflect well on him, let alone us. Darn it Gabe, I can't deal with this right now. Go away, I've got a function to organise. Only God knows how I'll think of an appropriate flower arrangement now..."

That was it. No: "what in tarnation were you doing in Mexico?” No: "how in tarnation did you get to Mexico?" Nothing. He thanked whoever was responsible for giving him such self-involved parents as his mother started muttering to herself about petunias and he became invisible. Things would have been much harder without them.

The way Gabe saw things, he was born into such an influential family for a reason, and he'd be a fool to put such an opportunity to waste. Had America been a monarchy he'd have loved it; Shakespeare had given him a taste for the “in line to the thrown” stuff, but the way things were probably suited him better. He headed to his war-room. The border-crossing had been a last minute gem of inspiration. It was like a taste for his uncle, an entree of the pressure that Gabe would be putting him under. That and it was pretty fun.

He came to the door and cursed Blu-tack. “Gabez funplayland!” was enthusiastically etched into the middle of the door. He picked up the Cameron Diaz poster from the floor and pressed firmly against its corners.

The war-room could only be accessed from within Gabe’s bedroom and that suited him fine. He’d long ago told the cleaners and maids it didn’t need any attention, despite that not being entirely true... The carpet was barely visible beneath scattered pages of notes, documents, manuals and blueprints; there were chip packets, glasses and cans – some empty, some not so empty – and an apple core place strategically on top of a Jim Beam can on top of an upturned glass on top of an empty packet of Doritos. There was also dust. He had tried dusting once but it just kept resettling after a while and he saw no point in dusting all his life. But he was happy for it, it was his, and it had a mini-fridge. A smile tugged at the corners of his mouth as he took in his messy freedom.

He felt compelled to take all his clothes off.

“...Dude, what are you doing?”

An Old Fun One (OFO)

http://lifeofdale.blogspot.com/2007/01/unexplainable.html

Sometimes I look through my old blog posts and cringe. But most of the time I smile. This is one of those smile-making ones. My writing style sure has changed!

I'm off to Lakes Entrance with Kiel & Co again (like last year) tomorrow. Get back on Wednesday. I sure will miss you guys... *misty eyes* :P

If you haven't already done so, read Luke's new "Stog"! (word borrowed from Jimzip). It's wicked funny http://creepylamingtons.blogspot.com. Click the link or scary towels will possess you and inhabit your mind. :)


Dale.

Pluto Prison - Short Story

One.

Stars, blackness, stars, a falling sensation.
Before I opened my eyes I knew I was lying down, and I knew I wasn’t on a bed. There was a scratchy, scrabbly-ness to the surface beneath me. How the hell did I get here? Where was here? Why was I afraid to open my eyes?
Flash! A court. Flash! A verdict. Flash! A... space machine?
I sat up and wiped something off the side of my face. The images felt familiar. I cracked a lid.
Black sky, red dusty earth with holes, a building, something approaching.
And closed it again. Three seconds of sight told me something wasn’t right. Maybe my other senses would be more helpful.
Faint banging noises, no wind, comfortable temperature, headache, dust in my nose, about to sneeze!
A boot crashed into my chest and my head and shoulders bounced off the ground. My headache got a zillion throbby times worse, but I didn’t need to sneeze anymore.
‘Ow.’
Pain was good. Pain meant I was still alive.
‘Get up, criminal filth.’
I braved sight again. He looked like Bowser. He almost didn’t look human.
‘Take this one to barracks then put it to work.’
Bowser had minions. He nodded to them and they took my arms. He gave me a final look of contempt and retreated back to his castle, probably. Was I in real-life Mario? And would that make me Mario or Toad? Or Princess Peach?

Two.

The barracks are weird. They’re futuristic, there’s a lot of white. I have a bunkmate. She keeps looking at me intently then looking away. The beds aren’t traditional bunks, they’re V’s – one bunk angling out to the left and one to the right. They meet at the head end. I’m lying down again.
‘So I guess we’re bunkmates.’
‘In what world do these constitute bunks?’
Heh. She got me there.
‘Dunno. Sounds cooler than V-shape bed buddies though.’
‘Both versions make it sound like we have intercourse. The latter, weird kinky style.’
Heh. She got me again.
Some time passed. I thought about stuff. The terrain of this place looked alien. Dusty, craters, aridness. But a lot of stuff wasn’t right.
‘A lot of stuff isn’t right.’
She was looking at me intently again. She watched each of the words come out of my mouth.
‘Like, something is telling me I’m supposed to think I’m on Pluto. But what? And how? What is that something?’
She squinted her eyes a little. She was waiting for me to go on.
‘We’re not on Pluto. Why can we breathe? How did this building get here? How did we get here?’
‘Why do mobile phones still work?’ she added with a smile. ‘Your brain is trying to short circuit reasoning, it’s telling you that everything here just makes sense, when there are no logical associations to tell you why or answer how.’
I smile. She understands me! But she’s not smiling anymore.
‘What?’
‘Try thinking about how your thinking got screwed up.’
I couldn’t.

Three.

I was peering over the edge of a mine shaft that went straight down. I could see a guy on a harness with a pick. He was tapping away at the walls. Not surprisingly, that didn’t make much sense.
That’s what they did here, mined. There were possibly a hundred mine shafts littering the plain. I closed my eyes and opened them again. The plain suddenly wasn’t so expansive. There were boundaries, there had to be. I’m not on Pluto, I reminded myself again.
I was wearing a hard hat and had a pick of my own. I knew what to do and how to do it as if it were instinct. I think it was supposed to have been my sole instinct. There were no guards anywhere. No enforcing, no commanding. Weird.
The air got warmer and I thought fondly of sunlight. But it was breath, Bowser breath. I crashed forwards into the ground. What was with this guy and pushing?
‘Work, prisoner scum.’
I wasn’t prepared for this interaction, my brain had only just remembered the sun. I didn’t know what to say in case I wasn’t supposed to be thinking freely or at all. So I didn’t say anything. Something possessed me to bow. Of course my hard hat fell off and landed at his feet. There was an agonising moment of indecision. Bowser’s hip started to ring and he turned away, making it easier for me to pick up my stupidly necessary hat.
‘R.F.6.’ I heard Bowser confirm into the phone that was dwarfed by his hands.
‘ARE YOU STILL HERE?’ I was being roared at.
Not for much longer, I thought, as I scampered away.

Four.

A guy freakin’ died! He was working in his mine when a fireball came from nowhere and engulfed him. It was like I’d seen it happen. But I hadn’t.
They’re not big on names in this place, just initials. He was R.... Holy shit! He was R.F.! This was no accident. Pluto’s the coldest planet in the solar system for crying out loud.
‘You’re not on Pluto,’ she said.
Shit...

Five.

I don’t know how long I’ve been here. Did I arrive when I woke up out on the plain? Or have I been here all my life? It’s like there is no “before”. But I know things like Mario and planets and normal bunks.
‘How long have you been here?’
She just looked at me.
‘So you’ll help me then, tonight?’
She started shaking her head violently from side to side and blurted, ‘YES!!!’

Six.

‘I don’t dream in this place.’
‘I don’t eat or drink.’
‘I don’t pee.’
‘I don’t get sick.’
We were heading away from the barracks, trying to travel in a straight direction. We had our hard hats and picks. We had each other’s minds to stave away the fogginess.
‘What do you think the deal is with Bowser?’
‘Bowser?’
‘You know, big guy, affinity for pushing?’
I looked back and she was gone. After a complete 360 I started to stress. How? Dammit! How? I needed her mind...
Clink clink clink! The sound of hammer on stone. It led me to the edge of a mine shaft. I peered down into the darkness and she was there. I pulled on the pulley to raise her up again.
‘Yo, bed buddy! Clarity please!’
She looked up at me apologetically.
As I helped her up and over the edge her hammer fell. We both watched as it plunged downwards. Clunk. It landed. There was a bottom to these things... Of course there was! I watched her have the same thoughts and start to speak.
‘I’ll go down. You just sprint for all you’re worth. If there are no walls then maybe there are tunnels. It’s our best option.’
‘But the fire...’
‘...Might not be real.’
We were still holding hands. She was right. We looked at each other for a short while.
‘I don’t not get horny in this place.’
‘I don’t not have standards,’ she returned with her tongue out.

Seven.

The wind was rushing past me as I ran hard. For some reason I wanted her to see me with wind in my hair. How was she going in the mine? I started to notice the ones near me. They started pulling. No! I had to go on.
Flash! Arms reaching. Flash! Tears. Flash! A needle.
My mind couldn’t make sense of the images. I pushed on. There was a black wall ahead and I was so close.
Thwack. I collided with the wall. As I sat dazed I imagined the sounds of movement and beeping. I got up. What now? She had my pick. I looked up. It was too hard to determine how high it was or if it connected with a roof. I put my hand to it. Cool-warm-impenetrable-weak, all at once.
I pounded my fist against it but it was like brick. I kicked it – concrete. This was pointless. I sat facing it, head between my knees. Behind me I could hear heavy paw-like feet pounding the earth.
I got to my feet, but remained facing the wall. The steps stopped.
‘You.’
‘Name’s Mario.’
‘Pah! I choose your name, vermin.’
I collided with the wall again. I turned for confrontation, back against the wall. I had to stay defiant.
‘They all do this you know, you’re not special. You will soon succumb. Free will won’t even be a distant memory.’
I shook my head violently. ‘No!’
‘Oh yes,’ it smirked.
Quickly! I needed to do something quickly.
‘You know it’s funny, that you should talk about free will. What’s a day in the life for you? Push a few incapacitated souls around, answer your phone, do what you’re told. I had a life before this, I was somewhere else, and I will get back there. I had importance, purpose. You, well let’s face it, you’re nothing in the scheme of things. You can’t even shoot fireballs out of your mouth.’
He charged. All of his weight was going to crash into me and smoosh me against the wall. I tried to move at the last second but my leg buckled. It happened.
But he wasn’t heavy.

Eight.

Winded, a bad leg, and with a serious case of confusion, I tried to comprehend what had just happened and assess the situation all at once. I shook my head vigorously again. Bowser was a normal man. His outline was fuzzy, flickering. He was normal sized... And punching me.
I swung back, and got a few good ones in. He oooff’d after I connected with his stomach and I got clear. I started hobbling away from him, the wall beside me.
If my sense of size, strength, and perception weren’t right, then the wall was conquerable too.
Flash! I was blowing out candles. Flash! I was graduating high school. Flash! I was sobbing in a shower.
Each image stirred powerful emotions within me. I was feeling.
I dug my fingers into the wall, they went into it! I tore away a chunk. And then another. Then I used one to smack into non-Bowser’s head as he charged at me again. He fell to the side.
I could see through. There were desks and computers and stunned labcoats.
A hand grabbed my shoulder. I spun. And met her smile and glowing eyes. I allowed myself a beaming smile, too.
Together we climbed through the wall and ran through corridors and burst out into sunlight.
We weren't safe.
We didn't know who we were.
But we definitely weren’t on Pluto.

The End.*

Display Home Adventures

"Do you have land?"
We should have been in character.
She looked from Brenton to me.
"No not yet," I responded suppressing laughter.

I guess it was a compliment that she thought we looked like we could be land-owners - that we were of some wealth. Perhaps we had trust funds, or were former child actors, or won big at the casino, in her mind. She was pretty.

"Well then we have some great house & land package deals." She underlined a name in the display home brochure that she wouldn't let us have until she was finished talking. "Larry's the one to talk to about house & land if you have any questions."
I was getting kind of tired of nodding and feigning interest. I wanted to get to the part where I got to imagine myself living in a pretty house all of my own. Cloud bubbles from my mind sprouted a few unlikely scenarios.
One, me trying to snatch the brochure with the pretty pictures but the lady retaining a freakishly strong grip on her end, all the while I'm shouting "give it to me!" and she's snarling back "I haven't told you about the special offers of luxury inclusions yet."
Two, me leaning in close to her and pulling a 20 out of my shirt pocket, being very hush-hush and bribey, only to be slapped because she thought I propositioning her.

Neither of those situations played out because I somehow mustered another "ah, how interesting" nod and she ran out of things to point to/underline in the brochure.
It was an arduous quest but Brenton and I had finally collected all three Porter Davis Collections Catalogues! It was most satisfying.

For what it's worth the houses that had to wait for us because of blonde pretty lady were awesome. The Brampton and... my favourite which I've forgotten the name of but will consult the brochure about later. There was the most ridiculously impractical pool, but it just looked so cool! I foolishly didn't take a picture of it and my describing skills aren't up to scratch right now, but it was pretty much square, above ground with glass walls, too deep to stand up in, but not wide or long enough for anyone to swim in. It was "silly cool", maybe it's the new "shabby chic".

Next time we'll do characters. I wonder how the pretty blonde lady would react if a person in a pink bunny suit hopped along behind Brenton into her little office?
["Do you have land?"
"Nah, but he's got a nice burrow."]

Or if we were wearing "We Steal Stuff From Display Homes If We Get Hassled By Sales Agents" t-shirts. :)

Dale.