The Bliss of Forgiveness

Me = Idiot. That's no secret. And as an idiot I often do idiotic things (yes, shocking isn't it?). Although at times there are lulls in the level of my idiocy, it's always there - I won't fail to spoil a moment, ruin a night, hurt myself or hurt someone else (physically and emotionally), embarrass myself and friends with some social faux pas... and the list goes on.

Hurting someone really close to you is, I think, one of the most excruciating pains of all. That said I've never been shot or stabbed, but I imagine it would come close. It numbs me, incapacitates me so that I'm incapable of doing anything except feeling bad and wishing that they would hurry up and invent time machines already (singing the Cyndi Lauper song doesn't expedite the process I have discovered).

I think we all have moments in which we do something and then can't explain what the hell we were thinking at the time. I do at least. I hate these moments, because I like to think of myself as a rational and sensible person. While these don't happen very often, they really scare me. I fear the consequences of my actions could lead to, well, the things in my life that are of most importance to me being whisked away. But I think I've finally started to grow up enough that I will be able to stop another from happening from now on. I'll take my wits with me wherever I go and be prepared to handle any situation the best way possible, without going into super mega idiot mode.

I'm saying this because, quite obviously, one of those moments happened last night. Needless to say I got really down on myself afterwards, and started agonising over what might happen as a result. I love myself most of the time, but I could only say the opposite of that after the idiotic thing I did. I was pretty much certain that I was going to lose one of the most important people in my life, and it was killing me - the idea of not having them with me anymore was a concept that I didn't even want to think about having to try to adjust to. So, although we sat down and talked most of it through, I lost a lot of sleep thinking about what I'd done, and how in the world I'd managed to do it.

Thankfully, this person was understanding and has largely forgiven me for what I did. Man did it feel good to talk to them today and have things pretty much go back to normal! I was so relieved, and realised all the more how lucky I am and how good I have it at the moment. Although I'll have to put up with being physically abused again (:P), it's more than worth it. Trust me. I'd almost say that I'd do anything for this person, and I want them to know that.

- Idiot.